Monday, 19 August 2013


Leigh is asked over and over again for his bread recipe. It's so easy it makes me want to cry. 

With this simple loving act of me putting this recipe in your holster, I am surgically and deftly removing any miserable excuse that you have left for you not to bake bread for your loved ones.

Bake this, and enjoy the guaranteed poontang.

Warning: I type it exactly as it was told, verbatim, to the last person who asked for it. Don't read on if sweary things are too much for you.

Right are you ready for my motherfucking bread that'll knock your cock off?

Right, you need:
3 cups of 'plain' (not bread!) flour - white or wholemeal works well, wholemeal doesn't rise as much, same with spelty monkey, white or wholemeal.

1 teaspoon of yeast 

1 and 1/2 teaspoons of salt

Some seeds or similar if you like dumped in the mix.

Mix together in a big bowl with your (clean) hand until thoroughly mixed.

Then add 1.5 cups of tepid/warm water and mix again using your hand for around 30-60 seconds, absolute maximum!

Now, it'll look like a sloppy mess and you'll have dough all over your hand!!
This is good...wash your hand.

Next, cover with a damp tea towel or cling film which ever you prefer, then leave in a warm, draught free place for 12 hours!! Yup, that's right 12 hours.

When you're roughly at 12 hours, turn your oven on to maximum (250 C) and put your tasty crock pot and lid in to heat up until they're definitely fkn hot!! The light has to go out on your cooker.

If you try to rush this bit, you will ruin your bread!

Get your pot out of the oven and be fucking careful, generally I never cook anything else on maximum heat and it doesn't half make a difference, so Be Careful!

Put it on a heat proof thing, pour the dough out and plop it into your pot (you'll be getting a sticky hand again at this point), put the lid on and put it in the oven for 30 minutes.
After 30 minutes take the lid off and carry on baking for between 5 and 20 minutes depending on how thick and crunchy you want your crust, obviously 20 minutes is some fkn crunchy crust slicing your gums action.

I've made this bread loads and loads of times, sometimes it looks like it'll never become bread but it always fucking works...the one time it didn't, I used old yeast...sometime getting it into the pot can be a trauma as it's so sloppy, but don't worry about it, just get it in there, pronto!

There's no kneading required, no fucking around at all.

Once you've got it mastered, you'll probably only take between 20 and 30 mins actually making the bread, including washing up.

Feel free to add herbs or seeds to the process to help make it even tastier. I usually add some sesame seeds to the dough to get a fuller flavour.

But, I warn you, it won't last very long, probably only 2 days, though it's good for croutons on soup by the 3rd day. Having said that, it probably won't last a day in your house as it's so fucking tasty! YAY!

Go forth and bake. It IS YOUR DUTY.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...